Fourth Grade Snapshots

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Terry McCombs / Foter / CC BY-NC

Shit! I can’t believe my parents were fighting again last night. I swear I didn’t get any sleep until Dad left. I’m glad he’s gone. I’d like to stay and make sure Mom’s okay, but she’ll probably be pretty drunk by noon.

My teacher is droning on about math. Blah-blah-blah. When am I ever going to use this stuff, anyway?

The best thing about yesterday was the video the counselor showed us about people taking care of each other. Man, I wish I had people like that in my life. The teacher didn’t understand when I told her my family would just tell me to shut the fuck up. She looked shocked, but at least she listened to me.

The art project was stupid. I didn’t do it. Who wants to draw a picture of himself with a bunch of dumb stuff in his head?

I wish it wasn’t Friday.

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These kids are picking on me again. Why do they always pick on me? I wish I could just hang out in the LRC. Tony keeps making comments across the room. My teacher says he’s trying to make me mad and to ignore it, but I can’t ignore it. People with Asperger’s can’t ignore.

I don’t have my assistant anymore. It’s kind of hard being without her. I used to go to the back table when I was feeling stressed and ready to blow. She would help me calm down. Sometimes she would have to take me to the LRC. I miss her, and I know she misses me because she comes to see how I’m doing, usually on her break. I begged her to come back, but she said she was needed somewhere else.

Math was good until the teacher had us play Around the World. I was out. I didn’t want to be out, and I got upset, really upset. The kids all stared at me. I hate people staring at me. So I yelled. A lot.

My other teacher in the LRC wants me to play this game where I match faces and emotions. I don’t really get it. Then she always asks me about my day. Sometimes it’s just too overwhelming and I start to cry.

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Tony is stupid. I hate that kid, and when I get a chance, I’m going to beat him up. Mom told me not to take any crap from anyone. She said I could fight them. My teacher said that’s not the way to solve problems, but I think I’ll go with my mom’s idea.

He made me mad yesterday, and we almost got into it in P.E. I was sent to the office to “cool down.” My mom and dad came in after school, pissed. They were yelling at the principal and everyone. It was a little embarrassing, but nice to know they have my back. I don’t know how long I will be at this new school.

That Austin kid was yelling during math yesterday. What a retard! We were just playing Around the World and he blew his top. That was the best part of math, too. The rest of it is too hard. I just try to doodle, but the teacher usually comes around and asks me to put my drawing stuff away. She tries to help me, but it’s just too hard. I don’t get it.

The counselor made us watch this stupid movie about getting along. Whatever. People are dumb. I’m glad it’s Friday. I won’t have to see them for a couple of days.

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My head itches again. I don’t think the treatment worked. I just want it to go away. It’s embarrassing to be sent home from school. They try to be sly about it, but all the kids know why someone disappears after we all go have head checks. The teacher is watching me. I wonder if she noticed me scratching my head.

The boys in this class drive me nuts. They are always causing problems. We can’t just walk down the hall without them provoking each other. Seriously, it’s like being around my grandma’s roosters, chests all puffed up, strutting toward each other, itching for a fight. I wish they would just shut up so we could get through this math.

Austin blew yesterday. It was scary, but not as scary as the time he started throwing chairs. I don’t know what he is capable of. We were just playing a game and it didn’t go his way. What a baby!

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My teacher this year is the best. She gives us time for reading. We can go anywhere in the room, as long as we are quiet. I usually go under the computer table on the beanbag, but Tony and Dylan end up close to me, and they don’t read. It’s pretty distracting. They just roll around the floor and bother everyone until the teacher notices and sends them back to their seats. I just want to read my book. I love this book!

Math is hard this year. We’re supposed to learn fractions and we’re using this tape diagram. It’s different. I wish I could pay attention, but Tony usually ends up throwing little things like pieces of eraser across the room. He should be listening to the teacher, but he doesn’t. He thinks it’s funny. It’s annoying.

Austin was really frustrated yesterday. I feel bad for him. Everything is so hard for him. I wish I could help.

The movie we saw about getting along was really inspiring. I felt so good after watching it, and I really wanted my class to act like the people in the movie. After the movie, Kayla, Jessica and I got to draw at the back table. This was the best part of the day!

I’m so excited! This weekend we are going to Eagle Crest. That means swimming!

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They just brought my food backpack. I’m so glad we will have something to eat this weekend. I used to get really mad, but after they started giving me this backpack, I feel much calmer. It’s still hard. I don’t think the other kids understand. They probably all have food at their house, but we don’t. We don’t really even have a house. It’s more like a really old trailer, but at least we’re not homeless anymore. That was scary.

The other kids used to make fun of me, but the teacher had us all talk about being kind and being part of a community. They stopped, mostly. Tony and Dylan still say things, but I try to ignore them.

We did art yesterday. We never do art anymore, but the counselor wanted us to draw a picture of ourselves and the things that matter to us. We’re supposed to hang them in the room. I was just glad to not feel pressured to read or write or do math for a while. It gets pretty stressful. I drew my mom and my dad, even though he’s not around anymore. I drew my dog really big. She’s the best! She’s always there when I’m sad. I think Mom worries that we will have to move again and won’t be able to take her. I don’t know what I’ll do then. My teacher saw my picture and said it was really good. I just saw her tuck a notebook and a new package of colored pencils in my food backpack. My happiness level just went up about five notches.

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I hope the baby isn’t getting sick. He seemed a little groggier than usual when I dropped him off at the babysitter. I’m hoping I don’t get a call. It would be tough to have to leave this class in the middle of the day.

Camille is scratching her head again. She’s already missed a lot of school due to lice, but I think I’m going to have to send her to the office to get checked. She seems to take it all in stride. I wish her mom could get a handle on the problem. I hate to see her miss so much school. We don’t really have a way to get her caught up.

The boys are starting to needle each other again. I don’t know what to do. Yesterday the counselor came and showed the class a movie about empathy. They all talked about it and most of them seemed to understand. The one who surprised me was Tony. He had the most insightful comment, and his words afterward just raked across my heart. I wish I could save these kids sometimes. The drawing project seemed to have such a calming effect on most of the class. Tony didn’t like it, but I know now that he’s just a scared little boy putting up a intimidating front.

Jackson’s parents were at the school yesterday. I honestly don’t know how to help socialize a child who’s advice from home is to solve problems with his fists. Even if I could send him out of the classroom, he would be missing a lot of instruction, and he’s already pretty far behind. This is his third school. These problems are going to follow him wherever he goes.

My group of overachieving girls was thrilled to have art time. They chatted quietly at the back table as they worked on their projects. I wish I could give them more of time for this, but the test prep has become more and more important, while at the same time behaviors are becoming more and more difficult to deal with. Some days it’s hard to get things done.

Caleb shocked me with his art. This quiet kid who usually needs a lot of prodding to work drew the most amazing self portrait. Here’s another one I would save if I could. I just stuck a notebook and some colored pencils in his food bag. I hope he enjoys drawing this weekend.

Austin is doing so much better than at the beginning of the year. I was a little nervous about losing his aide, but he seems to be managing his emotions a little better. I will have to find a different way to play Around the World that won’t set him off. I know the kids don’t understand him, but they don’t really understand each other too well, either. That’s just something we’ll have to work on this year.

I do hope the baby is okay. I really need to come to school this weekend and prep for math. The kids don’t seem to get it, and state testing is coming up. It looks like I’ll be here most of Saturday… again. I’m still waiting for this job to get easier.